the closet of plenty

I have decided that I may have to much in the way of attire. I'm not saying that I have attire that is in style, or even in this decade. But I certainly have to much in the way of attire.
This fact struck home this morning as I was preparing to leave the abode and foray out to the salt mine.
Now, those that know me know that I am a bundle of energy, always eager to leap into the next household chore....or maybe not.
Anyhoos, laundry is my favorite household chore....not.
The problem is this, my lovely bride and I usually have 2 rooms to hide away the masses of unwashed clothes. We do wash the stuff we have to, socks, undergarments, towels etc. but there never seemed to be a pressing need to wash say....shirts for work or pants for work.
When one gazes upon the closet of plenty there seems to be a never ending supply. However this morning as I climbed over the landfill of unhung clothes, to get to the hung clothes I realized a startling fact. I think that the pants I pulled down were actually the ones that I wore to Grad Night in 1978. And, as I frantically shuffle through the remaining shirts on the hangers I realize, with growing dread, that the most current clean shirt that I own is a Greg Norman golf shirt from around 1990.
Thank the Gods that today was Friday, I was able to wear jeans...and a 1990 Greg Norman golf shirt.
All day long the 20 something crowd was asking who Greg Norman is and why am I wearing a 4 color, line drawing of a shark.
Anyway I have come to realize that I do NOT actually have 30 pairs of pants in my closet. I have 4 or maybe 6 if I suck in my gut all day.
Nor do I have an endless supply of shirts. I can actually hear most of the shirts start to giggle when I pull one out for perusal.
I tried on a suit the other day and though I did manage get everything fastened I finally understood what a sausage must feel like, after being stuffed into a skin.....sigh.
It must be the fact that I am ever optimistic that keeps me from throwing out clothes that last fit me 20 years ago.
If I hold onto clothes long enough they may even come back in style. Although I haven't quite figured out how I would actually wear a pair of pants that I can only fit ONE leg into. There has to be a solution out there somewhere. In the meantime...
Good thing I love to do laundry....

reality bites

OK I admit it, there are a few "reality" shows that are must sees at the abode.
First (I am ashamed to admit) is American Idol. After watching some of the intro shows, I can sit back secure in the knowledge that my shower time crooning isn't really all that bad. Hey I might not get a golden ticket but, with enough alcohol in the audience, people at least wouldn't be saying "what the hell was he thinking". After the finalists have been chosen I can sit back and judge the fates of those few brave souls that have the guts to go on stage in front of millions and be crucified by the judges.
They are pitchy, flat, nasally, have poor song choices and sing like an out of control drunk at a redneck wedding. If I had to do what those poor saps do I would be lucky to get A note out, much less a whole song. All the while knowing that the people deciding my fate are millions of couch potatoes that can't hit a note to begin with.
I am sure that during one show we are going to see someone have a total loss of bladder control.
And I will be entertained.
Morbidly, sadistically and completely entertained.

don't you just hate it

Well I've missed some time, I thought that driving more than halfway across the country and back WITHOUT A COMPUTER would buy me a little slack...but nooooo. Even if the drive was for a good cause (really crappy reason but a good cause). But, I have been informed otherwise so I'm back.
I just wasted about an hour and a half watching a REALLY bad movie. A movie that no one else has even heard of, a movie that the studio, after making it, said, oh the hell with it lets just put it out on DVD, maybe some sucker will rent it.
The reason that I got to watch this cinematic gem is simple, my mom-in-law thought that she was renting something else. She thought that she rented The Day The Earth Stood Still but what she actually rented was The Day The Earth Stopped. It stars....oh who the hell knows who it stars...a bunch of people that no one has EVER heard of and then those people have extras.
Everyone else in the house had the good sense to leave during the credits, but not me.
This might just be a hidden gem that only I will know about. Then after I have "discovered" this hidden masterpiece, I will be able to smugly recommend to my friends and family, thus gaining accolades for uncovering an Indie masterpiece.
Alas, this is not to be.
The movie is basically this...naked semi-hot alien chick lands on earth packing 666 big ass robots.
Earth bad, must wipe out earthlings before we spread out into universe, so we stop Earth from spinning around using aforementioned big ass robots. HUH???
Earth stops spinning, all big buildings, Ferris wheels and the Eiffel Tower fall down go boom.
Semi hot, now clothed, alien chick sees earth baby being born, decides that Earth people NOT bad, starts Earth spinning again. Earth people learn lesson??? not be bad anymore...THE END!!!
Minor issue here, aside from the fact that the aliens show up naked, semi-hot and looking COMPLETELY HUMAN (mascara and everything). Doesn't the rotation of the Earth keep shit DOWN?! If you stopped the Earth from spinning shouldn't the big buildings fall up?
Aside from the bad acting, the horrible script, the inane dialogue, "your planet has less than an hour to survive, your family is scared, you should be with them" (no shit that's really in there). The fact that the Earth is ending in an hour is a BIG SECRET. It is being held back from the populace to prevent a panic. so why are they scared?? Besides, if the panic is only going to last an hour...why not just make a worldwide announcement and FREAK EVERYONE OUT?
On top of all of that I have deal with shit FALLING DOWN INSTEAD OF UP.
I guess the director never heard the saying "Stop the planet I want to get off". If it did he would.
Sigh....sometimes you watch shit to see if it gets better. Sadly most of the time it doesn't
At least it wasn't a Bo Derek movie.